Bailey in 2010 -- No change whatsoever

Well, that was disappointing.

I took a break from my job as an Advance-Titan staff writer to work as the press secretary for a Congressional candidate. The reward: A 26 percent drubbing at the hands of a 30-year incumbent. But I learned a lot, which is why I’m announcing right now my candidacy for Congress in 2010…as a joke.

As far as I know it’s never been done. I plan to gather the required 1,000 signatures and then do nothing. I will make no promises and offer no new ideas to better the life of the people. I estimate that I’ll still probably get about 30 percent of the vote.

The only problem I see is my pure and utter boredom, which is why I’ve developed a series of issues that I believe are extremely important to the people of this district. My top priorities will be:

1. Driving on the left side of the road.
For too long, we’ve been preoccupied as a nation on driving on the other side, but times are changing. Are we really willing to be stuck in the past as the world embraces the future, in particular driving like people in England? Change is something I believe in, and I think the people of this great nation are sick and tired of driving on the right-hand side. If we have to face oncoming traffic to accomplish this goal, so be it. I’m willing to seriously injure others for this cause.

2. A sweeping health care initiative.
Namely, banning all hospitals. We don’t need ‘em. They take up too much valuable space that we could be using for casinos or golf courses. I know that when I’m feeling sick, nothing makes me feel better than the thrill of hitting on 17. As your Congressman, I will fight against these greedy doctors whose selfish “life-saving” agendas are bankrupting the Americans in America.

3. Running an extremely negative campaign.
I’ll likely be running against Rep. Tom Petri, who in reality is a really nice guy and an honest person. Will I be mentioning that in my campaign? Hell no. Instead I will rely on a number of baseless attacks, using many outright lies. Try this one I’m working on: “Tom Petri hates cheese.” Probably untrue, but all of a sudden I’ve painted him as anti-cow. Who would vote in favor of that? Not me, and not Wisconsin and/or America (whichever you prefer). What do you have to say to that, Mr. Petri?

4. No more salmon.
Every arrogant self-righteous a-hole likes to order this over-priced item at posh restaurants despite the fact that it tastes like crap. Why? Because they think it makes them look sophisticated. I’ll put an end to it. I don’t think I even have to mention the whole swimming upstream thing. Salmon, your reign in American cuisine is over, along with that weird mango sauce that they serve with you.

5. Annexing the Upper Peninsula.
I think we all know that the U.P. of Michigan belongs to us. They watch the Packers, and…well actually that’s the only reason I’ve ever heard for why they should be part of Wisconsin. Good enough for me. Plus, I doubt the lower part of Michigan will really care.

6. Taking away all of your guns.
You read that correctly. I’m going to personally visit every house in Wisconsin, nonchalantly search up and down for any type of firearm while you’re in the bathroom, and take it away immediately. Then I’m going to take this stockpile of guns, melt them all down, and from the metal, make better guns. Then I’ll redistribute them back to you. That’s my promise.

7. Repealing the 25th Amendment.
We all know that the first 10 were the best, but this one really sucks. It has something to do with presidential succession. I don’t know, I haven’t read it. I think Congress must’ve gotten really bored after getting rid of Prohibition and they just wanted to write a new amendment, and this was the best they could come up with. Seriously, “when the President transmits his written declaration that no inability exists, he shall resume the powers and duties of his office”? What were they smoking?

8. Giving myself a raise.
The best thing about being a Congressman is that you don’t have a boss. So, if I want to pass a bill that gives me a bonus, all I have to do is get a majority of my colleagues to agree, all of whom will also benefit from it. Anyone want to guess how hard that’d be to accomplish? It’s like working the drive-thru at Hardee’s and whenever you feel like it you can increase you and your co-workers’ pay, and the day shift manager can do nothing about it. It sounds pretty awesome to me, and the grill guys will thank you.

There, I did something. This will be my platform for my run for Congress in 2010. Don’t expect to see me on the campaign trail or mingling with wealthy political contributors, but I will be on the ballot, which will be a victory for Democracy in itself.

I would appreciate your support on Nov. 2, 2010. Please remember to do absolutely no research on the candidates before you cast your vote. And, as the Obama campaign drilled into our heads repeatedly this past month, you can always vote early.